Point

it's been difficult.
You can't control your emotions.
You are trapped, not knowing where to go.
I miss the time when the words just flow in my head
Now I don't even know how to start.
I miss the time when I can say all of my thoughts and worries right away in my blog.
I don't even write now.
When I was younger I wrote more, sometimes I even put writing as my speciality.
Now? I don't write. My English skills got worsen too.
I don't even know why
I can't stop
and I can't start
I can't focus
I can't keep continue
I'm trying
But this feeling.... I am controlled by my emotion
I need a way out
I need to meet people
I need a motivation, a pressure.
Someone, rely on me
So I can help and focus on to you
Because it's what has been keeping me alive.
Doing something for people
Is my reason to live.

Lately, I've been frustrated.
I don't have a job now and I have yet to decide what to do with my life.
I keep looking at job portals, reading posts about big companies searching out for employees.
Most of them eventually ended in my browser's history. I decided to apply for the rest of them. But I realized I didn't try to apply as hard as I was used to when I wanted to apply for volunteering or internship opportunity when I was in college. I could feel it.

So far I've been invited to do the interview stage twice. In one company, I realized the task is not what I'm looking for so I voiced it out. In another company, I passed the interview, went on the FGD stage but failed later on. It's a big multinational, well-known company, but I realized I didn't try that hard. It's just that my thought: sick of the bullshit the other candidates talked about in the forum that hindered me from getting the job.
Now writing it, I realize that when I tried to apply for these 2 companies, I did try my best. Unlike the others. That explains.

Almost 3 months since I don't have a job.
And I still don't have an answer to what I'm going to do with my life.
This is giving me thoughts and worries. Slowly destroying me.
I feel like I'm the most pitiful person out in my circle.

But hey
After watching some videos of LP
I realized that this suffering came to me because I have the choice. I have the privilege.
I came out of a reputable university in my country.
I come from a middle-class family.
I have an internet connection.
I know English.
I have some skills.
Therefore, I already have some wonderful experiences working out for many things.
These privileges give me more options for what I could choose for my future.
If I'm allowed to, I could apply for an overseas company
If I want to, I could work for a multinational corporate company
If I want to, I could work in an establishing small company with crap management
If I want to, I could work in a grassroots-nonprofit organization that becoming a rich person solely from the wage would be impossible
If I want to, I could work for myself
If I want to, I could just study for more

No, I'm not the worst
Instead, I'm in the advantage.

There are many people with fewer options.
With heavier problems.
That forced them to do one thing.
That, maybe, for them, the problem that I'm facing now will be considered as an advantage, or privilege, or a gift.

I forgot how to write
I forgot how I expressed myself
I used to have these complex thoughts and when I couldn't get over them I just wrote.

But then it has changed.
My habit is gone now.
You know when you relate to something, really relate that you feel like crying?

Self-love
is about making time for yourself
is about doing what you always want to do
is about being relaxed, without thinking too much
is to take care of yourself

Your body, your mind, and your soul.

Self-love is a way to feed them.
With healthy things
So they will become healthy and fresh

Self-love is a way to appreciate yourself,
Self-love is a form of love, by giving gentle treatment to yourself.

I'm in an identity crisis. I don't know what I should do. I have too many interests and I can't find out which one fits me the most.

I used to be good (above average) back in my school days. I was good on almost every subject in school. Got pretty high rank in my class. I was happy and I was glad. But I was wrong. I realized I was a generalist. I put so many interests in so many things.

And now? Oh you don't want to feel what I'm feeling now.
Every day I think and try to find out my main major interest but up until now I still can't find it.
It's too hard to find when you're a generalist. I can only eliminate little things that I don't want to do. But eliminating them still left me many lists that I may do, meaning that I still do take interest in them and I still need to look up whether they really fit me.

So, if you are not doing good in your school days, be grateful. That means you know better what you dislike from your younger self.  You eliminate things better. You know your direction.