Point

(Note: This was written some time ago)

I have been longing to have friends who can trigger me to think and explore. I yearn for a lengthy conversation where I test myself, I try to find the answer, and I can actually uncover a new side of my personality even though the topic doesn't actually matter to anyone. 

I am having a brain rot, I think. It's about what I do. I currently have no creative avenues to express myself. I am always in control. Doing stuff too easy for my mind. Doing stuff where the stuff don't end. 

My brain has been blunted. Not only intelligence-related activities. Even I am now struggling to write for my own good. It's barely 3 paragraphs and I am already struggling to write. 

I remember the days where I went back from school to start my computer and write blogs. I remember when I do blogwalking every day to get to know the people I know better. I remember I write my own stories and I struggle to actually make the passage short because I couldn't stop. 

And now I even struggle?

I miss doing creative things T_T

Writing, taking videos, editing, making stories.... 

I read someone saying that Indonesia's work culture is overworked, underpaid and underappreciated, and I strongly relate to that. Not to mention the number of leave the emoloyees get in a year... it's barely 12-14 days in total whereas on the other side of the world, employees gets 35 days excluding public holidays... Plus the poverty rate has gone up to 60% out of the 280 million total population... 

I see many of my friends have gone abroad to study and continue living their live in another country. 

It's becoming a common thing here.... I've always dreamed of going for a strudy abroad and perhaps living there. I could have been among the first one among my peers or even the 80% of the populations to have dreamed this way but I still couldn't make it happen until now. 

Did I try not hard enough? Did God not allow me? I wonder what's the reason behind this... 

I used to be a pretty smart student where I almost nailed every exams I took. I got many of my opportunities from being successful during the application process. I never got in into something due to my personal connection. I also had plenty of community services and volunatary works where I was truly passionate in doing these activities. Logically, getting a scholarship for my master's degree would be a piece of cake, right?

Sadly, I am stuck here failed at my numerous attempts of applying scholarships, stuck in the job where I get the exact same treatment as most people do - overworked, underpaid, underappreciated. And in this country's worsening situation economically and politically, carrying on my usual activities feel so exhausting... Entertainment or refreshment costs a lot and I don't think I am already in the position where I could spend an amount of my money to have entertainment or refreshment. 

How to break this cycle? 
I need a stepping stone, where I could turn this mundance life into an exciting one. If not the same, at least better where I could feel that I am happy and it's excited to be living.