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I'm in an identity crisis. I don't know what I should do. I have too many interests and I can't find out which one fits me the most.

I used to be good (above average) back in my school days. I was good on almost every subject in school. Got pretty high rank in my class. I was happy and I was glad. But I was wrong. I realized I was a generalist. I put so many interests in so many things.

And now? Oh you don't want to feel what I'm feeling now.
Every day I think and try to find out my main major interest but up until now I still can't find it.
It's too hard to find when you're a generalist. I can only eliminate little things that I don't want to do. But eliminating them still left me many lists that I may do, meaning that I still do take interest in them and I still need to look up whether they really fit me.

So, if you are not doing good in your school days, be grateful. That means you know better what you dislike from your younger self.  You eliminate things better. You know your direction.

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Akhirnya gue kembali lagi ke dalam masa di mana gue berpikir untuk menulis, tapi gue bingung untuk nulis apa dan dari mana karena ada banyak hal dan banyak topik yang ingin gue ceritakan.
Semoga hal ini gak terjadi cuma di hari ini aja.

Gue ingin menulis:
-masalah kerja
-rencana masa depan
-perasaan/emotional state
-daily habit and plan

Karena gue lihat point pertama adalah kerja. Yaudah kerja yang akan dibahas skrg wakwow.
Gue tau kalo gue cerita kerjaan pasti pembaca blog ini (emang ada?) akan kecewa karena itu itu mulu gue bahas. Tapi gue ingin share aja tentang kerja: stress, emotional feelings, dan stress

Ya gitu deh, intinya kerja gue takes a lot effort and time. Gue literally hanya punya waktu sabtu minggu untuk menjadi diri gue (?) itu pun gue masih harus berurusan dan bener bener ga bisa lepas dan lupain kerjaan samsek di kedua hari ini. Mungkin karena posisi gue yang mengharuskan standby tiap hari sih...

Emotional feelings:
DUH susah deh. Kalo di kerjaan itu:
Kalo lo eliminate feelings lo bakal gak punya hati
tapi kalo lo pake feelings lo akan jadi serba salah
Pokoknya kemaren gue gak enak gitu ngasih kerja ke orang karena gue lihat interestnya bukan di situ jadinya gue serahin ke yang lain tapi eh tapi katanya atasan gue dengernya dia nolak kerjaan (kata dia) image dia jadi jelek terus gue jadinya gak enak ke dia jadi serba salah kan?????? ya gt deh pokoknya maaf banget

Udah gitu dari atasan juga dikasih target kan buat tim gue supaya tercapai kemarin ya sudah atas amanahnya gue semangatin biar bisa kerja target terus ada satu orang nih sampe jam 2 pagi kerjanya supaya targetnya kecapai :((( gue gak enak banget......... gue gak literally nyuruh dia begadang dan gue juga gak nyangka dia akan selesaiin sampe jam segitu tapi nyatanya dia langsung selesaikan jam segitu gue jadi gak enak banget.

Intinya kalo orang yg peka dan pake perasaan jadi susah deh :((

Gue bersyukur banget karena setelah gue pikir pikir ini bener bener kerjaan yang terbaik yang bisa diberikan Allah sama gue. Gue selalu berpikir dan bermimpi tempat kerja gak usah jauh biar gak naik kereta desek2an dan gak macet dan gak tua dijalan. Gue juga pengen tempat kerja yang santai, yang gak kaku, yang gak harus duduk di kubikal ala gaya korporat tradisional. Gue juga sangat suka hal hal berbau international, tapi gak suka berat-berat, dan awalnya gue bingung soalnya kalau international pasti berat: contoh UNDP, ASEAN, dlll. Tapi ternyata tempat kerja yang sekarang international dan gak berat :"") gue juga bisa aplikasi pengetahuan gue dari background jurusan gue di posisi gue sekarang dan gue juga bikin sesuatu yang udah gue lakuin sejak SMA.

Bener-bener, Allah maha Besar.
Gue hanya bisa bersyukur.

Dah gitu aja curhat gue. Gue seneng banget gue mulai mengerti tentang bersyukur :)
Semoga ada manfaat dari kerja keras sekarang dan membawakan hasil yang baik. Amin.

(ps: seneng banget ngetik ini cepet, cuma struggle di awal aja untuk memulai :"))

Working in a start-up

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So this month will mark my 3 month-stay-and-endurance in my current job.

I work for a start-up company. I really want to describe it but this article couldn't be more accurate to explain what I've been feeling and doing for these past months.

I keep thinking about my works from the moment I wake up to when I'm ready to sleep. Eight to five office hours have never been enough to complete all my tasks. I became so into this work that I even forgot to contact my friends anymore. My weekends have been filled with works too. Every moment that I have is used to think about all that and it sucks.

I'm required to multitask but hey I can't focus if what I'm doing jumps here and there every day.
And currently, I'm placed in a position that I don't really put my interest into. But at the same time, I need to meet the CEO's expectation.

I think it's okay to do this kind of thing every single day if I really like what I work. But the problem is, I have no thrills and excitements when I'm doing my current job (well, my current tasks, specifically).

Grateful day 2: 
1. I'm glad I have a job immediately after I graduated
2. Except for the task that I should do, coworkers, the office, the culture, everything is perfect
3. Even though I'm feeling this way. I'm glad I could experience working in a really a start-up company.

First time hanging out with my coworkers

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So I'm doing two posts now in a day because I feel so inspired. Why? Because I just went out!!! And that's it.

Oh please, I always said to myself that I need to routinely update my blog, journal, share my thoughts, anything as long as it's writing!! So yeah I'm going to say this once again (and probably will be going to say this over and over again), I'm going to write regularly on this blog.


I planned myself to only stay at home today. I initially wanted to clear up some unfinished work (which will never be finished anyway). I have so many works that aren't even related and these works are scattered everywhere in my head so I need to organize that. My mentality hasn't been feeling well for the past few weeks because I keep on thinking my unfinished works and I feel irritated so much. As my procrastination strikes again, I located my time to do these things in the afternoon. However, I got a call from my coworker that my co-boss asked me to join her to Indonesia Fashion Week. At first, I didn't like the idea as my plan would be ruined if I joined, but because I am a spontaneous person, I said yes when she said it'll only take a few hours.

Long story short, I joined them, bought super expensive clothes that took 25% of my income (and FYI today is the day where I get my monthly income (wtf screw me)), and went home at night! This is definitely not what I planned before.  I wasted 2-3 hours only for commuting, spent 6+ hours that basically were just used to buy clothes and eat. However I'm glad that I could hang out with 2 of my coworkers, and I got insight from my co-boss about business.

I'm not ready to begin work again tomorrow as I still have so frickin' super many things that I need to work on. But hey, I went home feeling inspired, I could forget about my works for a while, and now I'm producing 2 posts in one day. I'm glad. I don't care, I'll finish those works tomorrow (inshaAllah).


Grateful day 1: Basically I just said it in the last 2 paragraphs. Although we were busy babying the co-boss' 2-year-old child as her mother indulged herself in the shopping, I'm especially happy to go with my coworkers, as if I have a sister and a brother with close age gaps. Never felt that kind of feeling before with my brother and sister.

Grateful journal inspired by

(p.s. the song Lost in Japan by Shawn Mendes is quite good--first time hearing it as I write this post)

An ambivert

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Today I officially know one more thing about myself. 

I'm an ambivert. 

In school days, particularly in senior high school, I know almost every student in the same year as me. I know a lot of seniors too. For juniors, well, I don't really pay attention to juniors lol. But everything changed when I entered college. I've been known as an introvert by people that I know, only my close friends know that I'm not that anti-social.

On working days, I look forward so much to weekends, so that I can be lazily lying on my bed, do nothing, and recharge myself. I always look for my time alone, doing what I want to do, like reading or learning something. HOWEVER. If I'm being alone for too long, it's just doesn't feel right and I can't take it. I'd become uring-uringan

I need to go outside, explore, and meet people. But at the same time, I don't like wasting too much time and energy with my friends where I should've been using the time for doing something productive (and doing something productive requires me to be alone). Like, it's a loop, you know? 

And honestly, I don't know how to handle this ambivert-ness.

Whatever. At least I know something about myself now.