Point

(Note: This was written some time ago)

I have been longing to have friends who can trigger me to think and explore. I yearn for a lengthy conversation where I test myself, I try to find the answer, and I can actually uncover a new side of my personality even though the topic doesn't actually matter to anyone. 

I am having a brain rot, I think. It's about what I do. I currently have no creative avenues to express myself. I am always in control. Doing stuff too easy for my mind. Doing stuff where the stuff don't end. 

My brain has been blunted. Not only intelligence-related activities. Even I am now struggling to write for my own good. It's barely 3 paragraphs and I am already struggling to write. 

I remember the days where I went back from school to start my computer and write blogs. I remember when I do blogwalking every day to get to know the people I know better. I remember I write my own stories and I struggle to actually make the passage short because I couldn't stop. 

And now I even struggle?

I miss doing creative things T_T

Writing, taking videos, editing, making stories.... 

I read someone saying that Indonesia's work culture is overworked, underpaid and underappreciated, and I strongly relate to that. Not to mention the number of leave the emoloyees get in a year... it's barely 12-14 days in total whereas on the other side of the world, employees gets 35 days excluding public holidays... Plus the poverty rate has gone up to 60% out of the 280 million total population... 

I see many of my friends have gone abroad to study and continue living their live in another country. 

It's becoming a common thing here.... I've always dreamed of going for a strudy abroad and perhaps living there. I could have been among the first one among my peers or even the 80% of the populations to have dreamed this way but I still couldn't make it happen until now. 

Did I try not hard enough? Did God not allow me? I wonder what's the reason behind this... 

I used to be a pretty smart student where I almost nailed every exams I took. I got many of my opportunities from being successful during the application process. I never got in into something due to my personal connection. I also had plenty of community services and volunatary works where I was truly passionate in doing these activities. Logically, getting a scholarship for my master's degree would be a piece of cake, right?

Sadly, I am stuck here failed at my numerous attempts of applying scholarships, stuck in the job where I get the exact same treatment as most people do - overworked, underpaid, underappreciated. And in this country's worsening situation economically and politically, carrying on my usual activities feel so exhausting... Entertainment or refreshment costs a lot and I don't think I am already in the position where I could spend an amount of my money to have entertainment or refreshment. 

How to break this cycle? 
I need a stepping stone, where I could turn this mundance life into an exciting one. If not the same, at least better where I could feel that I am happy and it's excited to be living. 

 Pijat refleksi

Belakangan ini gue kayak kembali aktif lagi di sosmed (baru 3 hari, gatau sampe kapan paling seminggulol). gue bales2 story nyapa out of no where comment juga (meskipun kalo komen jarang)

saat gue ilang di sosmed gue bener bener in my own chamber. gue lost so many things waste so many things tapi ada satu hal yang gue belajar dari my own chamber, yaitu learning to appreciate others. 

gue lebih deket di suatu community di mana di situ setiap orang saling menghargai setiap usaha yang udah dilakuin... meskipun jelek dan biasa aja orang-orang bakal tetap nge hype lo. mereka pun baik dan itu lah salah satu hal yang bikin betah. ini salah satu tempat gue berkembang juga meskipun online dan gue gak pernah ketemu secara langsung dan mereka pun ga pernah liat muka gue dengan jelas.

terus sekarang gue aktif ig lagi aka real life dengan bales2in story orang... conv gak bisa panjang sih emang karena mostly mereka temen lama yang gue bingung harus ngomong apa sama mereka saking udah ga ada 共通点 lagi. ada juga yg bahkan ga bales lagi. it's okay gue juga suka ghosting org dan itu emang penyakit gue. tapi saat gue bisa ngobrol meskipun sedikit aja sama temen lama itu ngerasa udah puas banget dan seneng. seneng karena masih bisa nyambung, seneng karena masih dihargain, dan genuinely seneng karena bisa connect lagi sama mereka.

like i told you before, gue emang punya penyakit ga bales chat dan susah banget buat reach out. tapi sebenernya semua orang yang pernah kenal gue dan jadi temen gue, gue gak ada niatan sama sekali untuk cut mereka atau lupain mereka di kehidupan gue. 

misalnya seseorang jadi temen gue pas sd terus smp sma kuliah kerja sampe sekarang ga pernah ngomong lagi itu akan gue anggap tetep jadi temen gue sih... siapapun yang nyapa gue berapapun lama nya kita udah gak connect selama gue inget lu siapa gue akan tetep bales kayak temen biasa... 

sekarang ngerasa muji orang itu lebih ringan aja dan feels good. dulu gue muji kalo bener bener menurut gue itu keren banget banget and if something doesn't wow me i won't say anything about it. 

i'm learning to appreciate my friends more. be more active... i'm still lacking but i'm trying.

also, since i'm more active in 'the real life' now i kinda left the community that taught me this lesson...

i really miss them and want to talk more with them but that one thing that made me join the community is gone temporarily... i really have nothing else to talk about but still want to keep in touch with them o_o

 Saat gue lagi ngerasa I'm on my limit. Awali pagi udah bad mood. Udah hampir yakin mau quit aja meskipun gak tau lagi meski gimana yang penting nyerah dulu. Tiba tiba hari ini merasa dapet jawaban. 

- usaha gue terlihat ada sedikit progres. hasil belum tau, tapi setidaknya apa yang gue lakukan selama ini ada feedbacknya. satu. ほとんど３週間後、やっと返信もらった。その人はそんなに有名じゃないけどとりあえず答えもらったよ。積極的に。akhirnya gue masuk tahap baru

- gue akhirnya dikasih kesempatan site visit. しかも仲良くしたい同僚と一緒に行く、遠くないけどやっと外に出れる。

ー昼ごはんを友達と一緒に食べるとき、会社の制度いろいろ話してて、私が入ったとたん（誇張）会社色々苦労していた。昼ご飯無くしたり労働時間が延長されたり給与もカットされたりする。私が入ってから。ひどいよね？

ーでも今日はお知らせきて、労働時間は明日から戻りますって。

ーこれ、上司から聞いたけど、acceleration status の機会はできるようになりました。理由は私の同じに、biar gak kelamaan, biar betah. もし今日このこと言わなかったら、１００％止めることにします。

ー未来の機会を考えればいい機会だ。隣の人がこのこと私に話してすぐに思い浮かんだ

ありがとう、神様. マーシャーアッラー 神様って大きだな

そして、友達も、本当に友達だなって今日また考えちゃった

本当に私のこと応援してくれるよ

違う垢にもどっちもリプもらったのは嬉しいです。

そのbubble メッセージもぴったりだな必要あれば

 25 years old...

when I was in elementary school I saw middle school students as old

when I was in middle school I saw high school students as old

when I was in high school I saw university students as old

when I was in the university I saw people who work as old

and here I am, working, and not feeling old

but also feeling old at the same time

cause I see so many people younger than me now

But deep in my heart, I feel like I haven't changed. 

I'm still me, the same me who was in elementary school, middle and high school, who went to that university. It was me and I haven't changed. 

I never thought of the future. I live in the present. I am flexible, whatever comes to me I'll take the opportunity and do it. I can't make plans. I can't make plans for 1 year, let alone 5 to 10 years. 

The happy times have passed. I am now sad, alone, lonely.... I don't know what I should do

When I was a student everything was already decided for me. That I had to take the exams, pass, go to a higher grade, graduate... It's also the same with the university. Exams, pass, do the assignments, graduate.

Now I'm free to do whatever I want. At the same time, I am still not allowed to do whatever I want. I have a family and I have my belief. Social constructions and structures are within everyone which also limit my choices. 

I guess their role is to make things easier. So I am left with fewer choices.

What am I talking about?

Lately I've been feeling lonely. Feels like I'm alone. I have no one. It's true. It's not a feeling. 

I have friends but I have no close friends. It's me who makes the walls. I know. They're trying to reach me. I don't reach back. I don't want to transfer the negativity to them. Let it be mine. Should not share it with anyone. 

I have nothing to look forward to. I don't feel like I'm alive. No exciting things. Nothing interests me. Even the things that usually excite me aren't interesting anymore. 

I need company. I am lonely. I need to start something. But I can't? I have a job which I hate. It takes all my time. 

I don't find any enjoyment working. Yeah it's better than the last one but it's still bad. 

But this job helps me to distract myself from feeling the 'loneliness' 

They keep me busy. They make me go outside meet people and pretend I'm fine. Which is good. It makes me forget this feeling. Even if it's temporary.

Deep down I still am dead, though. 

I don't know until when. 

Until someone comes to me?

How come? I build the walls myself. I make it impossible. 

I need help.

書きたいは書きたいけど、口で簡単なこと言えるけど、実際にやってるのがやっぱり難しい。