Point

 25 years old...

when I was in elementary school I saw middle school students as old

when I was in middle school I saw high school students as old

when I was in high school I saw university students as old

when I was in the university I saw people who work as old

and here I am, working, and not feeling old

but also feeling old at the same time

cause I see so many people younger than me now

But deep in my heart, I feel like I haven't changed. 

I'm still me, the same me who was in elementary school, middle and high school, who went to that university. It was me and I haven't changed. 

I never thought of the future. I live in the present. I am flexible, whatever comes to me I'll take the opportunity and do it. I can't make plans. I can't make plans for 1 year, let alone 5 to 10 years. 

The happy times have passed. I am now sad, alone, lonely.... I don't know what I should do

When I was a student everything was already decided for me. That I had to take the exams, pass, go to a higher grade, graduate... It's also the same with the university. Exams, pass, do the assignments, graduate.

Now I'm free to do whatever I want. At the same time, I am still not allowed to do whatever I want. I have a family and I have my belief. Social constructions and structures are within everyone which also limit my choices. 

I guess their role is to make things easier. So I am left with fewer choices.

What am I talking about?

Lately I've been feeling lonely. Feels like I'm alone. I have no one. It's true. It's not a feeling. 

I have friends but I have no close friends. It's me who makes the walls. I know. They're trying to reach me. I don't reach back. I don't want to transfer the negativity to them. Let it be mine. Should not share it with anyone. 

I have nothing to look forward to. I don't feel like I'm alive. No exciting things. Nothing interests me. Even the things that usually excite me aren't interesting anymore. 

I need company. I am lonely. I need to start something. But I can't? I have a job which I hate. It takes all my time. 

I don't find any enjoyment working. Yeah it's better than the last one but it's still bad. 

But this job helps me to distract myself from feeling the 'loneliness' 

They keep me busy. They make me go outside meet people and pretend I'm fine. Which is good. It makes me forget this feeling. Even if it's temporary.

Deep down I still am dead, though. 

I don't know until when. 

Until someone comes to me?

How come? I build the walls myself. I make it impossible. 

I need help.